Here's how it goes. I am.. wherever. I am moving around, we are outside, or it is just hot. It starts with a light glistening on my face. One that I generally take an entire hand and wipe it across my face quickly so it doesn't start to roll down my face in beads. Are they sweating? Is it just me? When was the last time I washed my hand - ew. Maybe I am having a hot flash? I haven't had any yet and I am 39, so that's probably not it. Could I be having a heart attack? I don't think so. Are they sweating now? Nope, not a glisten to be found on them. It's only me who is sweating. Oh great.. now I can feel beads of sweat falling down the very little indent of my spine and into my pants. OMG I hope I don't have sweaty ass crack in these pants after sitting in that chair. What if I leave a sweat mark when I get up. Arrrgh!
I realized I have conditioned myself over the years to believe that for me, the fat person, sweat = disgusting. I am actually not self conscious about my 300-ish pounds until I am sweating. Sweat = failure to live as a productive fat person. Sweaty fat me is smelly, stinky, need to powder under everything and it just must be awkward for those around me.
Now we have introduced exercise to the mix just a few days ago. This is yet another area of mental exploration. I choose the treadmill for exercise, but I the goal in my head is always endurance over exertion - b/c why? Less sweat (and from a simple odds standpoint, less chance for injury). To combat this, I take breaks between my miles to cool off (literally the point of dry) and then start over on the next mile. I realize that not only am I dealing with the fear of injury during exercise (shin splints, falling, knee injuries), I am also dealing with the sweat fear. I have a fan directly on me on high, a spritzing bottle and towel to wipe myself off, but that is still not enough. I question, why do I feel this way if no one is around? I finally realize when I break it down that sweat really doesn't = disgusting for me, it = uncomfortable.
I am very uncomfortable with that sweat. It reminds me of times when I would go out for a day with friends and have heat rash under my breasts or my belly or between my legs from all of the sweat for hours in areas where it definitely is not normally. That eventually brought me completely inside the house. Add on that I am a gamer, and I am about as pasty as a raised doughnut.
I don't have a simple fix for this one this time. Something that I can just tell myself to logically rationalize that my fear is unreasonable... yet. This will be one that I will have to work on, and push through to get past it. It will come. In the meantime... ugh.. sweat. =)
Add-on:
After I made this post I called my niece to talk. I told her about my blog and this post in particular. A few months into her work out routine she would come up stairs and have sweat on her shirt down to her waist on the front and back of her shirt. She looked like she poured a gallon of water over her head slowly. She made a very good point for me on the sweat issue. To re-think about how Jillian says (she does the 30 day) that you have to create energy, to increase the heat, to cause your body to sweat. So if you aren't sweating during your workout you aren't exerting and pushing you body past "normal". Each bead of sweat is another affirmation that you are shedding this weight, burning those calories, and are going to be a fit and healthier person. So now it is just a matter of repeating that statement, and thinking that thought rather than all of the negative ones that have kept me fat all these years, and avoiding sweating!
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