Perfectionist Control Freak

It has come to my attention that my perfectionism is really a problem. =)

I used to joke/half truth about being a Perfectionist Control Freak.  What could possibly be wrong with that?  I am doing everything, and doing it as perfect as I can make it - what is wrong with that? =)  So so so so much right?  =)

Last week I was jazzed about our trip to PA.  I had big plans for fitness, and working out, the hike with the PA hiking group, maybe Niagara Falls.  Lots of stuff to do in a really short period of time.

However, last Monday I also started to drag around the Shame Train.  On the Shame Train I am the engine and when one thing doesn't go as planned, that car of shame gets added onto the train.. and then the stops at 
Disappointmentville, Beatmyselfup Village and Unworthy Heights b/c you can't just haul around one car - that's inefficient and a waste of time.  So I go hunting to add more cars onto the train.  I am even a perfectionist about beating myself up.  It has to be a huge production in order to be worthy.  This keeps going all week.  Miss a workout.  Not logging my food.  Miss another workout..

Next thing you know.. it is Saturday morning, we are checking into the hotel at 7:30a, I have been up since
Friday morning getting everything together and packed for the trip then doing all the driving up there.  There were a ton of things that I accomplished during the week.  Groomed the dogs and took them down to my friend's house so we could go on the trip.  Cleaned the entire house.  Caught up on all of the laundry.  Paid the bills.  Mowed the lawn.  Cleaned the carport.  Packed the stuff for our trip.  Loaded almost all of it (it was hubby's birthday week and on birthday week you don't have to do anything hehehe).  So now that we are settled into the hotel room, I am exhausted, disappointed in myself for not planning better, but know that taking on a 4 mile hike for the first time on no sleep with a bunch of strangers just doesn't sound like a smart idea.  I "call in sick" to the hike with the local PA hiking club.  I go to sleep crying I am so disappointed that I didn't plan better.  I end up sleeping all day, and basically having a breakdown Saturday night.  wth is wrong with me?  I am antsy, I feel like crap about myself, the article that I read a few days ago about perfectionism creeps back into my head and I further crucify myself for being a perfectionist.  This isn't helping..

I go to the parking lot and the truck and call my niece.  I am spiraling with my own thoughts and I need an
intervention.  She is 28 and we are so alike and supportive of each other.. I just can't imagine my world
without her.

"Kate!  I need 5 minutes of your time.  Everyone is healthy and fine, I am not getting a divorce and this isn't about anyone else but me.  You got a few minutes?" LOL  "For you? Anything!" she replies.  I quickly run through the list of things as I see them that got me to my current place.  I explain that I know it really doesn't matter what got me here as many of the things that are effecting me aren't real - just my head thinks they are real - so what can I do to start crawling out of this hole I have dug for myself?

She first reminds me that this trip is about the hubby - not me.  That even though I planned on doing stuff, if he
didn't want to leave until late, if he wants to sleep all day, if he wants to go to the park at 3am - whatever he
wants to do  - this is his trip.

Second, give myself credit for everything I have done in the last week - cleaned the entire house, prepared for
everything for us to be gone.  I even went to get some Tilex to clean the hotel tub b/c the whirlpool jets looked a little suspicious to me (and they so were full of mold).  She reminded me that I need to give myself credit for all of the little stuff like that that I do for other people.  I need to remember how much I am appreciated for all that I do.

Third, realize that I have come a LONG way in a really short period of time.  I am more healthy, stronger, and happier about my future with this body.  I should be proud of how I have taken complete control of my nutrition.  I have had 2 cups of ice cream and 2 peppermint patties since April 10th as my sweets.  That's it.  I haven't binged ate, I haven't lied and done the late night drive thru that I used to do.  I have had the most minimal amount of processed foods - chinese noodles, craisins, Cliff bars.  I am eating fruits and vegetables every day when I used to say I was allergic to both.  I have gone swimming at the public pool not caring what anyone thought of my jiggly legs.  Their opinion of me doesn't matter - besides a year from now they won't even recognize me.  I need to be so proud of all of the changes that I have implemented so far into my life and not be so hard on myself.  There is no such thing a perfect (there's that word again...) - so I have to turn my mind around to be happy with ALL of my accomplishments.

Last, I have spent decades thinking I knew everything, and telling myself things that just weren't true.  In 3
months it is just not possible to undo all of that mental training that I did to protect my soul and heart all those
years.  The things I told myself to be OK with my morbid obesity.  The things I told myself to be OK with my
limited abilities.  The words I chose to decribe myself, to justify the choices that I was making in my life.  I
need to take the time to undo each and every one of them and replace them with a different, more real thought about the person that I am today and even more so the person I want to be tomorrow.  I need to have the same amount of patience with myself that I do for everyone else in my life.

She is so right.

So I have weighed in and I have gained 4lbs this week. 

Take that perfectionist! =)  Guess what, I am going to move on to lose more weight, and eventually to my goal.  I won't let the perfectionist in me keep me down any longer.  This is all part of my journey, all part of the changes that I am making in my life to be a healthier, stronger, happier me.

As I wrap this post up, we are half-watching Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince for the first time.  The old guy with the beard, Dumbledore says to them:

As I stand looking out over all of you tonight.  Every day, every hour, this very minute - dark forces try to
penetrate these castle walls.  In the end, their greatest weapon - is you.

So true Dumbledore.  So true.